she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if only i could text you this smell
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
