When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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