went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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