I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize