i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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