im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
