i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
