I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
