I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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