Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
