Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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