oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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