the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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