I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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