I can text with my tongue
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
