Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
