he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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