i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
