3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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