Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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