i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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