Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
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so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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