Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
