The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
