I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
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we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Enjoy the penises
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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