Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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