It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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