it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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