everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
