Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
YAS. BRING CRAB.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
