I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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