Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is my gift to your gina
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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