I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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