i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
