Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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