I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
