Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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