umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
