Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
