it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
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So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
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its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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