apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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