Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
