I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
