Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
