Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
