there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
