Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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