thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
