Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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