I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
