Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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