Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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