She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
