True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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