I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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