I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
