the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
