Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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