So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
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Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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