we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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