New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
